by
Jova
I picked up a rental of ‘Five Across The Eyes’. The story? On coming back from a football game, a group of young women are lost on taking a shortcut through a back road. They are pursued by a deranged driver.
The DVD cover was dotted with “award-winning” blurbs. It must be good if it won awards. It was even described as “smart” and “original”.
Unfortunately, I should have taken a large pinch of salt on reading this “rave” review.
I was bored to tears listening those women talking about inane things. The movie is really about 5 women being hysterical; crying and running all over the place. There were no scary moments nor any suspense.
Yes, there were some scenes of gore which would appease a few horror fans. However, I’m not interested in gore. It seems to me that current horror movies are all about blood-letting and that disappoints me.
I suppose the concept of a group of women being chased by a stranger for no reason can be scary never mind cliched, but it was poorly executed.
Grainy video footage and awkward camera angles. The actresses couldn’t act, in fact they should get a refund from their acting school. The dialog were weak.
For the love of God, please do not waste your time watching this DVD.
(Update)
I rate this movie 3 out of 10. And I’m being too kind.
by
Countess Duckula
Just a quick contribution for now…
I found this enjoyable article on the classic Hammer Horrors while looking up some stuff about the new Hammer studios. It comes from a site called “Obsessed With Film”.
It’s got a bit of the history of the original studio, good summary of the impact of the movies in their time and place, and some great pictures.
“More Sex and Violence, Please, We’re British”
by
Ghastly McNasty
Funny Games (2007) is an English language remake of Michael Haneke’s 1997 Austrian film of the same name. I’ve not seen the original so I can only give you my opinion of this version. However, this film is a direct shot by shot re-make of the original, the director wanting to bring his film to a new audience, without losing any of he impact that made Funny Games a highly acclaimed hit in Europe.
The hapless victims in this film are Naomi Watts and Tim Roth who play a happily married well off couple who are taking their yearly boating holiday with their young son. Pretty decent names for a film that is clearly too dark for mainstream America. The happy couple have retreated to their summer home on the lake and while Roth’s character George is out the back checking over the boat an unusually dressed polite young man has dropped in to the house to borrow some eggs. Initially Ann, played by Watts, is more than happy to oblige but it soon becomes clear that the unexpected visitor isn’t really after any eggs, he and his similarly dressed companion are more interested in playing their sinister funny games.
What follows is the physical and psychological torment and torture of the couple and their child by these two charming, polite and thoroughly evil strangers. While you might think you’ve seen a hundred of these types of films already Funny Games does enough to stand out from the rest.
Opinion
Although the original was made over 10 years ago its message is just as relevant today. Maybe even more so as Haneke’s movie is commentary on our current obsession with violence in the media and our voyeuristic attitude to on-screen sadism. Cleverly the director manages to keep most of the violence off-camera using the threat of violence to induce the fear in the viewer.
The audience isn’t allowed to develop a connection with the annoyingly smug bourgeois family. Instead we are placed on the side of the 2 protagonists, Peter and Paul, who are playing a giant sick prank for no other reason than it’s fun to torture people. Throughout the film Paul makes unusual statements like ‘You can stop anytime you want’ and ‘You’ve brought this upon yourself’. He’s not just referring to the the victims but to the audience themselves, reminding them that they chose to watch this film but they can switch off any time they want.
The camera work is fairly intense as well. There are some lengthy scenes which use only 1 camera shot to drag out the terror for longer portions. It’s an unusual film with some quite unique moments. I don’t really want to give away some of the tricks of this film but it does step outside the boundaries of reality at times that makes you wonder just who Peter and Paul really are.
Rating
As a word for word, shot for shot remake of a film it’s up to you whether to watch this or the original. It is just another home invasion film but the movie’s 2 anti-heroes are both interesting and strange enough to warrant 2 hours of your time. 7/10.
by
Ghastly McNasty
The Cottage is a British comedy horror film, written and directed by Paul Andrew Williams. It stars Andy (Gollum, Gollum) Serkis, The League of Gentleman’s Reece Shearsmith and the buxom Jennifer Ellison as token eye candy. Apparently Ellison’s character was originally meant to be a 40 years old woman but was changed to a young hottie to make sure the film achieved maximum sales.
The story concerns 2 very different brothers, Serkis’ hard-man and brains of the outfit David, and Shearsmith’s wet lettuce of an accomplice Peter. It’s clear from the off that the brothers have a very strained relationship to begin with and Peter is extremely upset he has now been dragged into David’s seedy world of crime and corruption. Their crime? The kidnapping of a local crime boss Arnie’s daughter Tracey to be held for ransom for the huge sum of £100,000.
Now it’s obvious that Peter isn’t cut out for this kind of work. Highlighted when the foul mouthed Tracey attempts to escape and beats Peter to a pulp with her hands, literally, tied behind her back. Unfortunately the third crime partner in this escapade, the victim’s stepbrother Andrew, is even more incompetent than Peter. Andrew was supposed to deliver the ransom but instead unwittingly brings a bag of tissues and the crime lord’s knife wielding henchmen in tow.
David’s realisation that he to is a fool for using 2 complete idiots as business partners comes too late. As his pathetic plan slowly slips out of control the hostage escapes in to the woods where things suddenly take a turn for the even worse.
Opinion
This is a film of two halves really. The first half is a comedy crime heist gone wrong with witty one-liners that will have you chuckling with delight. The second introduces a deranged killer and some good gore shots where the comedy becomes more physical and slap stick. Therein lies its problem.
I really enjoyed the first half and what I can only describe as the worst ransom negotiating attempt ever. Serkis and Shearsmith are absolutely hysterical bouncing off each other with great comic timing. Both characters work well as complete opposites, each infuriated with the others attitude. There’s no horror involved, unless of course you count when Reece Shearsmith’s moth-phobic character gets stuck in a room full of the little winged devils, but the film rollocks along at an entertaining pace.
The second half of the film is quite unusual and doesn’t quite work as intended. The audience has spent so long laughing at the catastrophic criminal cock-ups that we’re incapable of being scared by any of the horror. I’m too busy waiting for the next gag to be able to feel any of the main characters fears. The film is still funny in places but it now comes as standard that modern horrors will try to outwit each other with amusing and inventive deaths. The Cottage offers nothing new on it’s limited budget and originality eventually runs dry.
Dont let any of the negatives put you off. As a comedy this film is a success! The next in a good line of recent comedy horror Brit flicks such as Severance (2006) and the legendary Shaun of the Dead (2004).
Rating
Watch it for laughs and you’ll thoroughly enjoy every minute as the script and acting has some great comedy moments but don’t expect to be scared or you’ll be severely disappointed. Overall a highly respectable 8/10.
Visit the official The Cottage website here.
by
Ghastly McNasty
Storm Warning is an Australian horror film directed by Urban Legend director Jamie Blanks. The film stars French actress Nadia Farès and Aussie Robert Taylor as a happily married couple who, after an enjoyable afternoon boating, are stranded on an remote island and take shelter in a local farmhouse.
Unfortunately the farm is home to a family of lawless Aussie rednecks made up of the psychotic Jimmy his mental brother Brett and their insane tyrant of a father Poppy. Already pissed off with the intrusion in their house the sadistic hillbillies imprison the yuppy couple and submit them to degrading abuse and torture. It soon becomes clear that in order for the pair to survive the ordeal they’ll have to play the tormentors at their own game. To quote the film’s heroine, “To catch a mad dog, you must think like a mad dog – only madder.”
Opinion
I’m trying not to sepnd too much time talking about this movie. It has both good and bad points, the marvelous amount of gore being one of it’s finest attributes. However, it’s just another torture-porn movie in a time when every other horror film is just another torture-porn movie.
Robert Taylor’s portrayal of Rob, the ‘hero’ of the film is rather lack lustre but maybe that’s because his character is a complete and utter pussy. You almost want him to get his ass tortured just so maybe he will grow some balls. In comparison Pia, his wife, becomes a hardened killer bitch, dishing out bloody retribution with unnatural ease.
The 3 villians are suitably crazy enough to fill the standard crazy redneck role we see in so many of these movies. There’s nothing hugely original though. It feels like any other movie where some one gets lost in the woods and stumbles across a proper nightmare.
Rating
Nothing new to see here but it will keep you mildly entertained. 6/10
by
Ghastly McNasty
Spanish horror film The Orphanage (El Orfanato) is director Juan Antonio Bayona’s debut movie. Mexican director Guillermo del Toro is listed as a producer of this film and it’s possible to draw some similarities between this movie and Toro’s own Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), both drifting between reality and fantasy in an unusual but effective manner.
Spanish actress Belén Rueda gives a strong performance as a mother who returns with her husband and son to the orphanage she spent time in as a child, to re-open the home as a sanctuary for disabled children. Located near a lovely beach and overlooked by a lighthouse the beautiful house holds many secrets that our heroine doesn’t know as she was re-homed before the orphanage was closed. Secrets that the living want kept secret and the dead need the world to know!
The family’s only child Simón, who was adopted by the couple, starts playing games with a group of imaginary friends who teach the child thing about himself he has yet to be told by his parents. When suddenly Simón disappears without a trace, his mother has to join in the ghostly games to solve the mystery and save her son.
Opinion
It’s nice to watch a ghost film that has an original plot and charming storyline. The majority of modern horrors churn out the same gang of teenagers being brutally murdered in as many horrific ways as possible. The Orphanage manages to get its scares without relying on gore.
It’s not massively scary. There are a few moments that will tighten the sphincter, in particular a very tense séance session that gets your heart racing. There’s also a little deformed orphan boy that wears a mask that could give you a few nightmares. Mostly the film relies on creaks and groans and things going bang in the night to put the frights up viewers.
This film is about the terror of losing a loved one to the unknown and relies on you becoming emotionally involved with the movie in order for you to fully appreciate it. As the film nears its conclusion there is a twist that’s both heart breaking and joyous. It should stay with you for a few days after which is often an indicator of a good film.
Rating
Beautifully shot film relying on atmosphere for its creepiness. A chilling yarn without any bloody violence, and for that it gets an 8/10.
by
Ghastly McNasty
Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith’s vampire graphic novel gets the big screen treatment by director David Slade. Niles originally wanted his story to be a movie but a lack of interest from the studios forced him to release it as a comic book miniseries. Big comic fan Sam Raimi helps out as producer while Niles does get to have his creative input by co-writing the screenplay.
30 Days of Night takes place in Barrow, Alaska, a town that suffers an extended winter period where the sun doesn’t rise for 30 days. The majority of the town don’t like to live in permanent darkness so many head south or visit relatives leaving a skelington crew of 150 hardcore locals to sit out the shitty weather. During the exodus local sheriff Eben Olesen (Josh Hartnett) finds himself investigating a series of unusual crimes including telephone theft, sabotage of the town’s helicopter and the brutal slaying of all sled dogs. It seems that someone is trying to destroy communications and means of escape. Eventually, when the power gets cut off, a band of ruthless vampires attack slaughtering the hapless townsfolk and feasting on their corpses.
Opinion
This is turn up for the books, a film better than it’s source material! While the graphic novel version of 30 Days of Night isn’t too bad, it does rush through the entire excellent concept and cram the whole 30 days in to what feels like 24 hours. The film has a chance to flesh out the story and characters and makes an entertaining tale of us puny humanity trying to survive in a perpetual state of darkness against the all time creatures of the night. There’s no barricading yourself in the ammo room and making a stand. It’s about cowering in the smallest hole you can find and hoping when the vampires find you it will be a quick death.
Even with Hartnett as the lead the first half hour manages to build up an awful amount of tension. There’s a sense of impending doom as the sun packs its bags and the omen spouting stranger the sheriff picks up in the local diner only add to the feeling that something bad is just around the corner. It’s very nicely handled and by the time the real horror kicks in you should be a gibbering bag of nerves. Of course the film has it’s faults and stumbles occasionally with the 30 day timeline. Fortunately dialogue is kept to a minimum mostly because the survivors are too busy being scared shitless.
The Buffy-fication of vamps humanized the bloodsuckers beyond recognition, giving them feelings and a desire to do good behind their undead eyes. Thankfully, the vampires in 30 Days of Night are right at the other end of the scale. I’ve not seen a vampire movie portray vampires in such a scary way in a long long time. Rather than having all the vamps wear the same tired vampire mask as seen in Buffy, Dusk till Dawn, and countless films since, these vampires all as individually freaky as you can get. Not only that but they are portrayed as animal in instincts and desires. Savage, brutal, and bloodthirsty just the way real monsters should be. When they finally attack barrow full force it’s quick and ruthless. It’s an unnatural rather than supernatural.
This film also pulls no punches in the gore department. There are plenty of squeamish deaths and decapitations and bucket loads of blood. Lovely!
Rating
A sorely missed return to form for the vampire movie. Big on scares and gore. 8/10
by
Ghastly McNasty
Directed by Neil Marshall, the British director who previously brought us the enjoyable film Dog Soldiers (2002) and the extremely scary The Descent (2005), gets to make the film he always dreamed of making, in this futuristic action thriller Doomsday.
In 2008, the ‘Reaper’ plague sweeps across Scotland, turning the infected temporarily crazy followed by a permanent state of death. In order to prevent the disease from spreading the British government erects a solid wall around the Scottish to quarantine the population. 25 years later the deadly virus resurfaces in London. In a desperate attempt to find a cure the English Prime Minister send a crack team of special agents, lead by Rhona Mitra as the kick-ass bitch Eden Sinclair, over the wall and into the unknown.
Opinion
This film is a labour of love for Neil Marshall who wrote the movie as well as directing. Marshall confessed the film is homage to post-apocalyptic films from around the 1980’s and it’s quite clear that he has been thinking about this film for a long time. Well, why else would anyone make it? Don’t get me wrong the movie is an entertaining ride down nostalgia avenue. It just feels out of place for a movie in 2008 like it should have been released at the same time as Mad Max when apocalyptic futures were full of road warriors and wide eyed men with mohicans who scream a lot.
The film has so much ground to cover and so many homages to make that fortunately it just skims the surface rather than trying to get too deep and trip over its own ridiculous storyline. The abandoned Scotland still has a few lucky survivors of the plague who have turned in to either cannibalistic cyber savages or castle-dwelling medieval knights. Society has dropped back hundreds of years. It really couldn’t have got any worse!
Other silly little touches don’t really add to the film either. Our heroine’s detachable spy camera bionic eye is a prime example of where this film is at. Stupid for stupids sake, but at least it shows the film doesn’t take itself seriously which would have been a fatal mistake. Instead the film has a good dose humour. Knowing it is merely covering old ground the film decides to just have a bit of fun and therefore could be described as enjoyable if you like these sort of movies.
One excellent point I must add is that the film is very gory with some rather excellent death scenes. Always gets a thumbs up in my book.
Rating
Not a bad attempt at a movie and should keep you entertained for a couple of hours if you switch off the sensible button and set your teeth to popcorn chomping mode. 7/10
by
Ghastly McNasty
Sci-fi horror from 28 Days Later director Danny Boyle. Set in the year 2057, the Sun is dying and a solar winter has enveloped the earth. In a desperate attempt to save the planet, the Icarus II, a spacecraft with a crew of eight men and women is sent deep in to space to deliver a nuclear device in to the heart of the fading sun.
As the spacecraft draws closer to the sun, the crew hears a distress beacon from the Icarus I, which mysteriously disappeared on the same mission seven years earlier. The crew feel duty bound to investigate even though it could endanger the entire mission and set a new course for the original Icarus. A decision that proves disastrous for the whole crew.
Opinion
As a science fiction movie Sunshine works really well. We are treated to some interesting ideas about how space travel will look in the future and the solar-shielded ship has a few neat tricks to keep sci-fi buffs interested. It’s a very well cast film with everyone performing to a high standard. The crew are likeable and Cillian Murphy does an amicable job as the lead. You can feel the weight of the crucial decisions the crew have to make and you do feel part of their little family. The first two thirds of the film are very entertaining.
Unfortunately, as soon as the villain is introduced, to add a few scares to the movie, the film begins to show its flaws. The main problem for me is that once we know who/what the bad guy is the movie loses all sense of mystery. The ‘monster’ is so unscary the director allows us only glimpses of it through almost impossible to decipher vibrating camera work and weird angles and unusual lighting.
There is also an entire scene that seems to be missing from the film. There’s no oooo we discovered the other ship. It’s more like, lets dock to that ship we are suddenly right next to. Annoying.
Rating
An interesting plot with engaging characters is suddenly spoilt when they strap a vibrator and disco light to the front of the camera. However, if you love your sci-fi, you’ll probably love this film. 7/10
by
Ghastly McNasty
The Mist is based on a novella written by horror legend Stephen King back in 1990. Directed by Frank Darabont, director of King’s other works The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, who also co-wrote the screenplay with the big man himself, has made a few minor tweaks to the novel and a significant change to the films chilling conclusion.
The townsfolk of Bridgton, Maine (I’m so glad I don’t live in Maine) experience a ferocious thunderstorm causing widespread damage. Artist David Drayton, his son, and estranged neighbour head to town the following morning to stock up on supplies at the local supermarket. When a strange mist suddenly sweeps in to town the locals find themselves trapped inside and fighting for their lives.
Opinion
Many previous film adaptations of King’s work have fallen well short of the mark, the most notable exceptions being the 2 films directed by The Mist helmer Frank Darabont. I’m a huge Stephen King fan so I’m extremely pleased to report that Darabont has pulled off an amazing hat trick with this instalment. The Mist is a throwback to a twighlight zone type story, a cautionary ‘what happens if’ affair that leaves you on edge for a long time before revealing at least a possible cause for the mysterious events. It’s not breaking any new ground here and could be considered cheesy in places due to some second-rate acting and singular location. However, it reminds me affectionately of a 50’s B (Monster) Movie with modern CGI. A small town fighting off unknown creatures from another dimension. Perfect! The Cthulhu type creatures are a nod to H.P.Lovecraft and we are only allowed glimpses of the larger things in the mist when someone who leaves the building is brutally slain.
As with many of King’s novels it’s us humans you really have to be careful of. The film initially creates the fear of something unknown outside in the mist. However, as the religious zealots attempt to take control of the bizarre situation we begin to realise that it’s just as dangerous to stay indoors as it is to head in to the mist. The power plays between the survivors to assume control of what’s left of their world is a key theme within this film. Especially as out hero is placed on the losing side of this battle. We are given the view that if the shit really does hit the fan, any form of safety or authority will be easily be overthrown by the fearful masses.
Rating
I’ve not read the book and was fortunate to not hear anything about this film prior to watching it. I’d like to say they don’t make films like this any more but apparently they do. An absolute rollercoaster of a movie experience that uses an unknown apocalypse to leave you feeling very vulnerable indeed. 9/10
Ghastly 
M.I.K.
Countess 
Jova